Infertility Awareness Week

April 21st - 27th is Infertility Awareness Week. Last year I took a big step and let my friends on Facebook know that my husband and I are the face of infertility.
This year I am tempted to the same, but at the same time I am still unwilling.  Will I make my friends uncomfortable, will they think I am just doing it for attention.  Even worse, will they feel sorry for me and offer the crappy advice and empty platitudes that some did last year.  When I posted a status about infertility a well meaning friend, wrote "Don't worry, it will happen soon".  I know she meant well, but her words were neither helpful or comforting.
I used to be the girl that gushed over babies, I always wanted to be around them and hold them. I was always the first person to go and ask a friend or a relative if I could hold their baby. I'm not that girl anymore.  I don't like being around babies anymore because it is a reminder of what I want, but do not have.  The problem is that so many people are so used to me being a baby person that they now hand me their baby without even asking.  Then I am filled with conflicting emotions, and I want to scream "Dear God, why can't I have this, why not me."
I can't help the way I feel, but I am no longer interested in pretending to ooh and aww over my co-workers' pictures of their grandkids.  I quickly say "how cute" and then walk away. Now those co-workers, that at one time would asked me to join them for lunch, go for lunch without me and don't speak to me as much as they used to. Is it my attitude that has caused them to cut me off?
I have so many Facebook friends who have had babies recently and I feel so bad, but I could not even bring myself to congratulate them. I know that makes me a bad friend, but I find it hard to care.
My husband is ever the optimist and is convinced that we will be parents one day.  I sincerely hope he is right.
If we are one day blessed with a child, I hope I come back to this post and remind myself how I felt at this moment, so I never become a person who offers a friend suffering from IF crappy advice and empty platitudes.

Update: November 2015.  It has been nearly 3 years since I wrote this post. Still no baby for me.  My husband's diabetes is much better but the MFI is still a factor and we now know that we will not have bio kids without medical intervention.  We have been referred to a fertility clinic in a nearby city and are awaiting our first appointment.
The good news is that I am in a better place emotionally.  It still hurts, but I am dealing with the hurt better.

What have I gotten myself into?

Today I joined a diet bet.  The bet starts on the 15th and lasts 28 days.  In that 28 days I have to lose 4% of my starting weight.  So I need to lose 8.25 lbs in 4 weeks.  I am terrified that I won't be able to do it.  I think if really watch my eating and concentrate on training for my 6K, I will be able to do it.
Wish me luck.

Trying (and failing) to stay positive.

I am finding it increasingly hard to stay positive. I am sick of the constant pregnancy and birth announcements on Facebook. It seems like everyone I went to high school with is having their second or third child. I know I should be happy for them, but the fact is I just can't. I just think to myself, why not me?

How I got the motivation to lose weight.

All you have to do is look at a picture of me to see that I am short and chubby.  Well recently I have crossed the chubby line and become fat.  I am 5'4" (if I round up) and at my heaviest was 215 lbs.
I wasn't happy with that weight, but I just couldn't seem to find the motivation.
I think part of my lack of motivation is that I don't feel fat.  I don't hate the way I look.  I don't like my double chin, or how flabby I look naked, but for the most part I love myself and don't really feel fat most of the time.  In my dreams I am always skinny, because that is how I see myself (until I look in a mirror).  I am also very healthy for a big girl.  Low blood pressure, low cholesterol, normal blood glucose.  I may be fat, but my health is good so losing the weight was that big of a deal to me.

Now onto my point.  How I found the motivation to lose weight.  My husband, who is not overweight, has diabetes.  But he doesn't manage it well at all, and no amount of my nagging seemed to get through to him.  He recently had a blood glucose test done because my doctor said his diabetes could be why we are having trouble conceiving.  Well the results were not good at all, and it was a huge wake up call to him. Now he is sticking to a healthy diet and is coming for walks with me every night.  When it was just about me losing weight it was very easy for me to skip the evening walk and to go to McDonald's or Taco Bell instead of cooking something healthy at home.  That isn't an option anymore.  I have to get my husband healthy so we can have a baby and so he will be around to help me raise that baby.

I have lost 4 pounds since I have started trying to get D healthy.  I know this time, I am not going to lose my motivation, because it isn't just my health on the line.

My attempt at going Green!

First of all look at me updating regularly.

So recently I have attempted to make small changes around the house to save money and to be more environmentally friendly.  It would be so much easier if my husband didn't think I was nuts.
I have switched to moping the floor with vinegar (diluted obviously) instead of Mr.Clean.  I find that it cleans just as well and it isn't full of chemicals.  D whines that it makes the whole house smell like vinegar, so I may try adding a little orange essential oil to my mix.

I have also started making my own laundry detergent.  I won't take the time to write out the instructions because there are several recipes all over the internet.  I made the powdered version with ivory soap (shredded), borax, washing soda and baking soda.  So far I think it works great, it makes me want to wash all the things.  Once again my husband looked at me like I was insane while I was preparing the detergent.  He said "you know you can just buy laundry soap right?"  Yes dear I am aware of that fact.  I don't really care what he thinks as this home made laundry soap is dirt cheap.

I may update later with more of my "going green" efforts.

Squeaker

As I mentioned before, I have a new cat.  My husband loves cats, a lot.  He has been begging for a cat for quite some time.  I didn't really want a cat so I kept saying no.  Until I met Squeaker.

Could you say no to this face?

This Christmas we went for Christmas Dinner at my aunt and uncle's house.  As soon as we walked in the door we discovered they had a new pet, a kitten.  D being the cat lover that he is said a quick hello to everyone and then made a beeline to the kitty.  Right away my uncle offers Squeaker to us.
My cousin had found Squeaker in a ditch, someone had thrown her away.  She was almost dead, but my cousin nursed her back to health.  Cousin already has 4 cats and her boyfriend said no more, so my aunt and uncle took her.  Unfortunately my aunt is allergic to cats so they needed a new home for her.  My heart melted the instant I saw this pretty little girl so I said yes we would take her.

Snuggled up on the couch in her new home.

  We are pretty sure that she is at least part Lynx Point Siamese.  She loves to play fetch and nap in the bathtub.  D loves this cat so much it is ridiculous, he calls her a princess and sings to her sometimes.  I have to say I am pretty in love with her too.

Update: A cat, an anniversary, and fertility testing

Well a lot has happened since I last updated. D and I got a cat, her name is Squeaker. She deserves her own post so I won't say much about her now.  But she is beautiful.
D and I celebrated our first year of marriage.
And as the title of this post mentions, we started getting the ball rolling on fertility testing.  D and I have been trying to concieve for over 5 years. What 5 years? But you've only been married for 1 year.  Well don't judge, lest ye be judged.
After 5 years, it became very clear that something wasn't right, especially if you consider that accidental pregnancies run in both our families. I wanted to get testing sooner, but D was too nervous and part of me felt we didn't have the right to testing because we weren't married.  I will also admit that part of me thought that once we got married, God would let us get pregnant.  Obviously that didn't happen.  So this May at my yearly physical I talked to my doctor about testing.  She had already tested my blood sugar and thyroid and both were great, I'm not diabetic and I don't have a thyroid problem.  She sent me for more blood work to check my hormone levels and since my husband doesn't have a doctor she said I could bring him to my follow up appointment and she would get him set up with a SA (sperm analysis).
My hormone levels were all good. No obvious problems.  D will be dropping off his sperm sample soon, he needed awhile to work himself up to it. He is terrified that he is the problem.  I just want some answers so we can decide where to go from here.
I have always wanted to be a mother, and I always thought I would be done having kids by the time I was thirty.  I turn thirty this month and I haven't even started.  I am terrified that I will never have children.  I know D and I are not comfortable with pursuing IVF. I have done my research and IVF would cost us around the same amount as domestic infant adoption.  If we are going to spend that much money I would rather pursue adoption rather than IVF.  That is just a personal choice, not a judgement of those who choose IVF. The more I think about it the more I feel drawn to adoption from foster care. There are so many kids in the foster care system waiting for their forever homes.  I am open to an older child, but D would prefer a child that is five or younger. Part of me worries that our application will be denied, that they will say we aren't good enough to be parents. We will cross that bridge when we get there though.
This post ended up being much longer than I intended, but it feels good to get it out there.

Text message conversations with my husband.

Sometimes I get bored at work so I keep myself entertained by texting random crap to my husband.  This is the conversation we had today.

Me: Forgot to tell you.  Last night I dreamed that I was a superhero and I got it on with Captain America

D: The Captain has morel, I don't think so.

Me: Screw you, I'm pretty awesome.  I bet I could get Captain America to fall in love with me.  Also it is morals not morels.

D: Yeah yeah I think you would have better luck with Hobgoblin.

The end.   Be jealous of our love.

World's worst blogger

I suck at blogging, I admit it.  I haven't updated this blog in 6 months.  I am trying to decide what direction I want to take this blog.  For now I have decided that I am going to start blogging about my weight loss goals, and if I every get pregnant this will become my mommy blog.

So there you go, I sort of have a plan.  Let's see if I stick to it.

I am a married woman now.

On June 4th, D and I finally tied the knot.  It was the best day of my life, but I am so glad it is over.  I was so stressed out until I was finally walking down the aisle.

D was so nervous that he said "awfully wedded wife" instead of lawfully.  He was so flustered after that he took awhile to regain his composure.  I was glad he did it though, I was seconds away from bursting into tears.  If he hadn't made me laugh at that moment, I would have lost it.

The wedding was perfect.  We kept if fairly cheap, because we are both pretty low key people and I am the cheapest human being alive.  We hired caterers from a local Hutterite colony, so we had roast pig for supper.  It was the best pork I have ever had in my entire life, and I am not a huge pork fan at all. 

This is my sisters and I before the ceremony.

D is Native, so I wore custom made moccasins to honour his culture.  He was going to wear a scarf made of my family's tartan, but he forgot it at home.

Everyone wanted to see my moccasins, so I spent quite a bit of time doing this.

My bachelorette party! Slightly NSFW

May 14th was my bachelorette party.  My mom and youngest sister attended as well as my cousins and aunt, my mother in-law and sister in-law and several of D's cousins.  I will admit that I was a little nervous about the party.  My family is loud and rowdy, D's is much more reserved.  Turns out I had nothing to worry about both sides of the family got along great.
All pictures in this post were taken by my awesome baby sister.

Look I have a penis glass that lights up, you can't get much classier than that!

My mom and I showing off our balloon wieners!

Here I am wearing my balloon weiner as a fascinator, as I mentioned before, I am super classy.

Playing the pass the pecker game.  The short lady holding the purple pecker is my aunt.  Well actually she is my dad's first cousin's wife, but I call her my aunt.  She is like another mother too me.  The tall Native lady next to her is my future mother in-law.

Opening gifts.  Lets just say that I received enough lube to last a lifetime.

This was my gift from my mother in-law and sister in-law.  D is diabetic, I get that it was a gag gift, but at least get me a gag gift that I can use without sending my future husband into a diabetic coma.

                                                 My baby sister!

Words of wisdom from my awesome mother.  She is hilarious!

Had a minor breakdown at the mall

Two days ago I stopped at the mall to get advanced tickets for Thor (yes I am a nerd, deal with it), and I decided to stop at a couple lingerie stores to pick out something to wear under my wedding dress.  I wanted something nice and sexy so I stopped at La Vie en Rose.  Well the largest band size they have is 38.  I currently wear a 40 C ( just in case you were wondering my bra size), but I have lost almost 20 lbs and my bra has been a little loose so I thought I may be able to squeeze into a 38.  WRONG, it didn't even come close to doing up and I don't know why but it really bothered me.  I almost started crying right then and there. 
I didn't cry, instead I decided to try La Senza, I was sure that I had bought bras from them in the past.  I wandered around their store for a while and couldn't find anything larger than a 38.  Eventually one of the store's employees asked if I need help finding anything and I asked if they carried 40C.  She said "I'm sorry we stopped carrying 40 bands"
I don't know why but this just made me go over the edge.  I said "I guess fat girls don't deserve nice underwear" and I stormed out.  Not exactly a rational reaction.  I then started bawling all the way to my car.  I really don't know why I reacted like that.  I could have just gone over to Sears and found something in my size.  Plus I have a wide upper back, I always have.  I am used to having to go to a slightly larger size so things will fit me properly.  I have many shirts that fit me perfect in the stomach but are way too tight in the chest area, that's just the way it is.
I think what bothered me is the fact that so many stores don't carry plus size, yet there is no plus size lingerie in the mall.  Lets face it most women are not a size 4, yet many stores stock their shelves as if they are.  Why not stock sizes that women can actually wear.  Would ordering a couple plus size bras really take up that much room.  I am sure they would sell so it's not like the stores would lose money on them.
Bah, thinking about it has gotten me all riled up again.

I'm a crappy blogger :(

I really suck at blogging, I admit it.
I have been meaning to update for quite awhile now, I just haven't gotten around to it.  It's not that I don't have anything to say, in fact I have lots that I want to write about.  I just never seem to have the time.
 To make up for my lack of blogging, here is an embarrassing story to hold you over until my next post:
I woke up one Saturday morning at 6:30am, D was still sleeping so I got up to watch cartoons (how cool am I).  It was kind of cold in the living room so I went back to the bedroom and I grabbed my hoodie.  I slipped it on and was then freaked out because the power went out, the whole room was dark... or so I thought.  I put the darn thing on backwards and the hood was covering my face.  I seriously thought the power went out for a couple seconds, when I realized that the power was fine, I was just an idiot, I laughed so hard that I actually woke up D.  So if you want a good chuckle, just imagine me standing in my room with my hoodie on backwards freaking out because it suddenly when dark.

A post of random stories.

Before I had this blog, I was so sure that I would constantly have stuff to write about.  Instead I have has a bit of Blogger's block (that's a real thing right).  Well I have decided to share some stories that probably aren't long enough to warrant their own post. 

D is pretty clueless when it comes to pregnancy and babies, despite the fact that I am constantly talking about babies or watching baby shows.  D's cousin is pregnant and asked us to bring her some gingerale a month ago when it was like -30C outside.  Her and her fiance don't have a car.  So D and I walk out to the car to get the gingerale.  D has a very concerned look on his face, so I ask what is wrong.  He said "I am worried about Trish, can being pregnant make a woman sick."  It took every ounce of self control I had to not laugh.  I explained what morning sickness was and how some women have it worse than others and that it doesn't always occur in the morning.

Just a couple days ago D went to visit this same cousin.  He then called me when he was on his way home, to tell me how the visit went.   Here is how that conversation went:
D:  She's doing good.  She showed me one of those pictures they take of your gut
Me:  You mean an ultrasound?
D:  Yeah one of those, the baby looked like a bean. 
I really should have asked what he expected it to look like.

Please don't get me wrong, D isn't stupid, he just doesn't pay attention to things that don't interest him and in the past babies and pregnancy held no interest to him. 

Now to show you what a goof ball D is, here is a picture of D wearing a purse I knitted as a hat.

He's so cool.

I'm too lazy to think of a clever title

This post may end up being pretty short, because I am posting from my phone. 
I would like to use this post to brag about my man and what a great guy he is.  My cousin recently left her husband and her and her two daughters had to move back in with her parents.  My cousin got a new job and had to be at work by 7.  My uncle has to be at work early too.  My aunt doesn't drive.  They were all very stressed about how they were going to get the girls to school, especially in -30 weather.  D, my future husband, stepped up and said he would drive the girls to school every day.  I am just so proud that he was willing to do this for my family.
Within a few days those girls had D wrapped around their little fingers.  He brings them a different flavour of gum everyday after school.  He waits outside for them after school and walks them to the car.  He has confessed to me that he feels very nervous when he stands in front of the school.  He is Native and he sometimes gets some strange looks when he walks away with two little blonde girls.
The girls absolutely adore him.  They are always telling their Grandma that "D is so cool".
I can't wait until D and I have kids.  I know that he is going to be an awesome father.

The First Post

I have decided to start a blog about my life and the random thoughts that go through my head.  I already have a craft blog, but I often have non-craft related stuff that I want to blog about.  Hence the new blog.

I don't really have to much to say right now.  So welcome to my new blog.