April 21st - 27th is Infertility Awareness Week. Last year I took a big step and let my friends on Facebook know that my husband and I are the face of infertility.
This year I am tempted to the same, but at the same time I am still unwilling. Will I make my friends uncomfortable, will they think I am just doing it for attention. Even worse, will they feel sorry for me and offer the crappy advice and empty platitudes that some did last year. When I posted a status about infertility a well meaning friend, wrote "Don't worry, it will happen soon". I know she meant well, but her words were neither helpful or comforting.
I used to be the girl that gushed over babies, I always wanted to be around them and hold them. I was always the first person to go and ask a friend or a relative if I could hold their baby. I'm not that girl anymore. I don't like being around babies anymore because it is a reminder of what I want, but do not have. The problem is that so many people are so used to me being a baby person that they now hand me their baby without even asking. Then I am filled with conflicting emotions, and I want to scream "Dear God, why can't I have this, why not me."
I can't help the way I feel, but I am no longer interested in pretending to ooh and aww over my co-workers' pictures of their grandkids. I quickly say "how cute" and then walk away. Now those co-workers, that at one time would asked me to join them for lunch, go for lunch without me and don't speak to me as much as they used to. Is it my attitude that has caused them to cut me off?
I have so many Facebook friends who have had babies recently and I feel so bad, but I could not even bring myself to congratulate them. I know that makes me a bad friend, but I find it hard to care.
My husband is ever the optimist and is convinced that we will be parents one day. I sincerely hope he is right.
If we are one day blessed with a child, I hope I come back to this post and remind myself how I felt at this moment, so I never become a person who offers a friend suffering from IF crappy advice and empty platitudes.
Update: November 2015. It has been nearly 3 years since I wrote this post. Still no baby for me. My husband's diabetes is much better but the MFI is still a factor and we now know that we will not have bio kids without medical intervention. We have been referred to a fertility clinic in a nearby city and are awaiting our first appointment.
The good news is that I am in a better place emotionally. It still hurts, but I am dealing with the hurt better.
