Infertility Awareness Week

April 21st - 27th is Infertility Awareness Week. Last year I took a big step and let my friends on Facebook know that my husband and I are the face of infertility.
This year I am tempted to the same, but at the same time I am still unwilling.  Will I make my friends uncomfortable, will they think I am just doing it for attention.  Even worse, will they feel sorry for me and offer the crappy advice and empty platitudes that some did last year.  When I posted a status about infertility a well meaning friend, wrote "Don't worry, it will happen soon".  I know she meant well, but her words were neither helpful or comforting.
I used to be the girl that gushed over babies, I always wanted to be around them and hold them. I was always the first person to go and ask a friend or a relative if I could hold their baby. I'm not that girl anymore.  I don't like being around babies anymore because it is a reminder of what I want, but do not have.  The problem is that so many people are so used to me being a baby person that they now hand me their baby without even asking.  Then I am filled with conflicting emotions, and I want to scream "Dear God, why can't I have this, why not me."
I can't help the way I feel, but I am no longer interested in pretending to ooh and aww over my co-workers' pictures of their grandkids.  I quickly say "how cute" and then walk away. Now those co-workers, that at one time would asked me to join them for lunch, go for lunch without me and don't speak to me as much as they used to. Is it my attitude that has caused them to cut me off?
I have so many Facebook friends who have had babies recently and I feel so bad, but I could not even bring myself to congratulate them. I know that makes me a bad friend, but I find it hard to care.
My husband is ever the optimist and is convinced that we will be parents one day.  I sincerely hope he is right.
If we are one day blessed with a child, I hope I come back to this post and remind myself how I felt at this moment, so I never become a person who offers a friend suffering from IF crappy advice and empty platitudes.

Update: November 2015.  It has been nearly 3 years since I wrote this post. Still no baby for me.  My husband's diabetes is much better but the MFI is still a factor and we now know that we will not have bio kids without medical intervention.  We have been referred to a fertility clinic in a nearby city and are awaiting our first appointment.
The good news is that I am in a better place emotionally.  It still hurts, but I am dealing with the hurt better.

What have I gotten myself into?

Today I joined a diet bet.  The bet starts on the 15th and lasts 28 days.  In that 28 days I have to lose 4% of my starting weight.  So I need to lose 8.25 lbs in 4 weeks.  I am terrified that I won't be able to do it.  I think if really watch my eating and concentrate on training for my 6K, I will be able to do it.
Wish me luck.

Trying (and failing) to stay positive.

I am finding it increasingly hard to stay positive. I am sick of the constant pregnancy and birth announcements on Facebook. It seems like everyone I went to high school with is having their second or third child. I know I should be happy for them, but the fact is I just can't. I just think to myself, why not me?

How I got the motivation to lose weight.

All you have to do is look at a picture of me to see that I am short and chubby.  Well recently I have crossed the chubby line and become fat.  I am 5'4" (if I round up) and at my heaviest was 215 lbs.
I wasn't happy with that weight, but I just couldn't seem to find the motivation.
I think part of my lack of motivation is that I don't feel fat.  I don't hate the way I look.  I don't like my double chin, or how flabby I look naked, but for the most part I love myself and don't really feel fat most of the time.  In my dreams I am always skinny, because that is how I see myself (until I look in a mirror).  I am also very healthy for a big girl.  Low blood pressure, low cholesterol, normal blood glucose.  I may be fat, but my health is good so losing the weight was that big of a deal to me.

Now onto my point.  How I found the motivation to lose weight.  My husband, who is not overweight, has diabetes.  But he doesn't manage it well at all, and no amount of my nagging seemed to get through to him.  He recently had a blood glucose test done because my doctor said his diabetes could be why we are having trouble conceiving.  Well the results were not good at all, and it was a huge wake up call to him. Now he is sticking to a healthy diet and is coming for walks with me every night.  When it was just about me losing weight it was very easy for me to skip the evening walk and to go to McDonald's or Taco Bell instead of cooking something healthy at home.  That isn't an option anymore.  I have to get my husband healthy so we can have a baby and so he will be around to help me raise that baby.

I have lost 4 pounds since I have started trying to get D healthy.  I know this time, I am not going to lose my motivation, because it isn't just my health on the line.

My attempt at going Green!

First of all look at me updating regularly.

So recently I have attempted to make small changes around the house to save money and to be more environmentally friendly.  It would be so much easier if my husband didn't think I was nuts.
I have switched to moping the floor with vinegar (diluted obviously) instead of Mr.Clean.  I find that it cleans just as well and it isn't full of chemicals.  D whines that it makes the whole house smell like vinegar, so I may try adding a little orange essential oil to my mix.

I have also started making my own laundry detergent.  I won't take the time to write out the instructions because there are several recipes all over the internet.  I made the powdered version with ivory soap (shredded), borax, washing soda and baking soda.  So far I think it works great, it makes me want to wash all the things.  Once again my husband looked at me like I was insane while I was preparing the detergent.  He said "you know you can just buy laundry soap right?"  Yes dear I am aware of that fact.  I don't really care what he thinks as this home made laundry soap is dirt cheap.

I may update later with more of my "going green" efforts.

Squeaker

As I mentioned before, I have a new cat.  My husband loves cats, a lot.  He has been begging for a cat for quite some time.  I didn't really want a cat so I kept saying no.  Until I met Squeaker.

Could you say no to this face?

This Christmas we went for Christmas Dinner at my aunt and uncle's house.  As soon as we walked in the door we discovered they had a new pet, a kitten.  D being the cat lover that he is said a quick hello to everyone and then made a beeline to the kitty.  Right away my uncle offers Squeaker to us.
My cousin had found Squeaker in a ditch, someone had thrown her away.  She was almost dead, but my cousin nursed her back to health.  Cousin already has 4 cats and her boyfriend said no more, so my aunt and uncle took her.  Unfortunately my aunt is allergic to cats so they needed a new home for her.  My heart melted the instant I saw this pretty little girl so I said yes we would take her.

Snuggled up on the couch in her new home.

  We are pretty sure that she is at least part Lynx Point Siamese.  She loves to play fetch and nap in the bathtub.  D loves this cat so much it is ridiculous, he calls her a princess and sings to her sometimes.  I have to say I am pretty in love with her too.

Update: A cat, an anniversary, and fertility testing

Well a lot has happened since I last updated. D and I got a cat, her name is Squeaker. She deserves her own post so I won't say much about her now.  But she is beautiful.
D and I celebrated our first year of marriage.
And as the title of this post mentions, we started getting the ball rolling on fertility testing.  D and I have been trying to concieve for over 5 years. What 5 years? But you've only been married for 1 year.  Well don't judge, lest ye be judged.
After 5 years, it became very clear that something wasn't right, especially if you consider that accidental pregnancies run in both our families. I wanted to get testing sooner, but D was too nervous and part of me felt we didn't have the right to testing because we weren't married.  I will also admit that part of me thought that once we got married, God would let us get pregnant.  Obviously that didn't happen.  So this May at my yearly physical I talked to my doctor about testing.  She had already tested my blood sugar and thyroid and both were great, I'm not diabetic and I don't have a thyroid problem.  She sent me for more blood work to check my hormone levels and since my husband doesn't have a doctor she said I could bring him to my follow up appointment and she would get him set up with a SA (sperm analysis).
My hormone levels were all good. No obvious problems.  D will be dropping off his sperm sample soon, he needed awhile to work himself up to it. He is terrified that he is the problem.  I just want some answers so we can decide where to go from here.
I have always wanted to be a mother, and I always thought I would be done having kids by the time I was thirty.  I turn thirty this month and I haven't even started.  I am terrified that I will never have children.  I know D and I are not comfortable with pursuing IVF. I have done my research and IVF would cost us around the same amount as domestic infant adoption.  If we are going to spend that much money I would rather pursue adoption rather than IVF.  That is just a personal choice, not a judgement of those who choose IVF. The more I think about it the more I feel drawn to adoption from foster care. There are so many kids in the foster care system waiting for their forever homes.  I am open to an older child, but D would prefer a child that is five or younger. Part of me worries that our application will be denied, that they will say we aren't good enough to be parents. We will cross that bridge when we get there though.
This post ended up being much longer than I intended, but it feels good to get it out there.